IVF: Am I Really the Problem?

April 2020, Covid-19 hits New York. Due to my pre-existing conditions and non-essential clinics forced to close, my husband and I escape and stay with my wonderful best friend in LA. There was nothing I could do to further my IVF journey staying at home. All doctor visits were via video or phone calls. I was starting my medications in preparation for IUI, of course, the procedure was cancelled. 

On a positive note, I am so very grateful that I was not in the middle of an IVF cycle. Your body, mind and bank account really are pushed to the limit during the process. My heart goes out to any women who may have been close to egg extraction during the beginning of Covid shutdowns.

 As April goes by, I feel inadequate as a woman. I am not myself, I am irriract, I am irrational, I am sad. A sad human, in every sense. I can’t get pregnant. I am here to create a life, and I cannot. I am the problem.

I have the best friends and husband in the world for sticking by me during this time. I was acting crazier than usual at some points.
Looking back, it was a necessary part of my journey. I let go of my insecurities, I let go of my heartaches. And realized, why am I not thankful for everything I have? I was so fixated and stuck on the problem of what I cannot do, it consumed me. I forgot how to love and live and be happy. Absolutely every single aspect of my life is perfect, more than I could ever dream of, yet in that moment nothing mattered but having a child. Why is not being able to have a child a problem?
More importantly, why did I believe it was my responsibility to fix the problem on my own? 

cbxo